Whose back?

Get an unexpected sunny day, a frustrated Sicilian girl leaving in one of the coldest country in Europe and the necessity of making the most out of such a rare occasion..the result is the following..I guess because I am missing home recently, and I have been missing a big part of myself, the creative one; but I knew exactly that this was the opportunity I was waiting for! My boyfriend took me to one of the few beautiful place around Swindon, Stanton Park..it was an unusual picnic, my bag was loaded with paint brushes, oil paints, cloths, and most of all we were carrying around a canvas and an easel! :)
The light, the nature around me played a big part in the making of the painting, even if unfortunately I couldn't finish it on the day ( and it's best, it wasn't supposed to happen that way)
These are the stages:

                                 The Beautiful Park

                                   The canvas and the easel

                                     The raw material

                                               The painter

                                   Work in progress

Then the wait..after two days, of thinking and thinking this is the result..
I forgot that  feeling of satisfaction in throwing paint on the canvas, on myself, on the walls! relief!

                                 
                           Hopefully, I will carry on painting from now on..I have waited far too long!

Have I lost it..or have I lost myself?

It has been a while, maybe too much since I last painted. Normally when I get the need to paint  my hands get restless, the only thing I can compare it to is when you wake up in the middle of the night and you need to drink,  your throat is so dry it feels like you are about to swallow your tongue.

For some strange reason I haven't felt this way in a while; normally when it has happened before it was a sign  that something was wrong in my life, something missing, something that required a change, something that I needed to do but maybe I was too scared of doing.

Lots of things have happened recently, not necessarily good things, I had to cope with things that go completely against my person and my understanding. Maybe is because I had to behave in a way that is not mine that I have being feeling drained, if it makes sense. I thought I transform this feeling into art, as I would have normally done in the past, so I grabbed a canvas yesterday, converted my kitchen counter into a mini work shop and I just started to drop some colour here&there. It felt good, I was excited again..then I don't know what happened, I lost it! The connection between me&the canvas was gone! I felt devastated, it just wasn't working. Like when you think you have found the man of your life but you catch him cheating on you possibly in your bed!  I just lost it..I lost myself.. I felt so bad, so empty..I threw it in the bin, how sad is that?  That made me feel even worse, where am I? I lost it..or I just lost myself?